Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
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[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead