Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
The big book of baby names but for safe words
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Have a lovely day 😊
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
kevin is now a local weatherman
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets