Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
You Might Also Like
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Somebody’s lying.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
This is so wrong 😂
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim