Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
