Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
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her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Finally, a door that understands me
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
My work here is done
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Still laughing at this stupid meme
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.