Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?