Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
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…żyje?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know