Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.