Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You