Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
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No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.