Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”