Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
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Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
*seductively eats two tums*
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe