Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
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Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo