Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure