Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
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I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I thought this was funny lol
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*