Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
smh
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
When can I start eating bats again.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.