Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

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*Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl.

*hands bowl to child, eats the rest


The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded


Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”


When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed


The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.


Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.


ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion


Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more


Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet