Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
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*Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl.
*hands bowl to child, eats the rest
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet