Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
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stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
my favorite genre of twitter
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.