Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
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Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?