Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.