Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is