Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.