Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t snitch tag.

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans