Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein