Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”