Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
So glad we cleared that up
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder