Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.