Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

She: I like Cats
He:

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?