Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”