Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

Namaste

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.