Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*