Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

Feels like there should be a middle ground

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*