Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd