Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW


You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.


5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.


Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!


It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”


this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets


My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.


Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel


Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running


HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]