@Dildo_Hitler

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

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@ericsshadow

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

@AbbyHasIssues

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

@Cage_unlocked

5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.

@CafeinatedBacon

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

@TheBoydP

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

@vrunt

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

@SnizzleFrizzle

My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.

@Trisarahjtops

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

@pilau

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

@iwearaonesie

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]