Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Cardio Made Easy
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
✌🏽
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine