Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
You Might Also Like
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*