Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Sponch
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣