Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.