Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Cat is stressing him out.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
oh you like architecture? name three walls
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
#SuperBowl
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
