Bruh
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HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.