Bruh
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Perfect
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
i can’t work under these festive conditions
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
everyone’s a critic
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.