Bruh
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
こいつ天才
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”