wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
You Might Also Like
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*