Bruh 😂
You Might Also Like
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.