Bruh 馃槀
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Get a dog they said 鈥hey never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
*thinks my friend Liz鈥檚 full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 馃槧
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 馃槨
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 馃槨馃槨馃槨
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 馃槀
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can鈥檛 get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you鈥檙e happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT鈥橲 CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.