Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon