Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
The Struggle
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.