Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work