Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for