Bruh 😂
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Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Ummm 😳
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi