CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
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Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
When I snag the last meatball.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”