Bruh 😂
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Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
lmao
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.