Bruh ππππ
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911, whatβs your emergency?
Me (whispering): Iβm holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldnβt use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I donβt want the killer to know I have a bagel
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. youβre making the cows nervous
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, βHoney, there arenβt 31 days in March.β
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, βHa Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.β
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Much to my husbandβs dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, βDo you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? Itβs called marriage.β He said, βOk, fine.β
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Jesusβs ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
This coffee cake doesnβt seem to be helping my alertness at all
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed IβM DYING,β so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, βI know. He got that from me.β
My kid just announced that when heβs a grown up heβs going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken