Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.