Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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Air conditioning – not a fan
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm