Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Cndnsd Mlk
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now