Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

Good news

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge