Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
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Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Just a phase…
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.