Bruh PLEASE
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ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…