Bruh PLEASE
You Might Also Like
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.