bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like βnah u havin too much funβ and changed the song ????πππππππππ
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Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so thereβs that.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasnβt working. You donβt live here anymore. Thatβs why.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
βYellowβ
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, itβs not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Based on the weekβs events , Iβd say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
βWhat attracted you to our company?β
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”