bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier