bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband said I’m the most amazing woman on the planet. GEESH CRAIG WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF OTHER PLANETS?!? AM I JUST MEDIOCRE ON THOSE? I’m throwing up so much right now
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
When you’re Kinky but poor
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see