Bruh 😂
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[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
In case you needed to hear it:
