Bruh 😂
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If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes