Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
That’s classic.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.