Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
pls suprot
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.