Bruh
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7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.