Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Remember folks 😂

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.