Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.