Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
there’s probably a fee though
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die