Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?