Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
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Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Just as the prophecy foretold
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”