Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit