Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
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Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
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[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after