Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
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someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My friend is an excellent librarian.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Breakfast for Stoners:
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
British websites use biscuits.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..